How to Get Out of Your Head during Sex

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Photo courtesy of Caitlyn Grabenstein (@cult.class)

Danielle Harel, PhD, and Celeste Hirschman, MA

Danielle Harel, PhD, and Celeste Hirschman, MA, are enactment therapists and cocreators of the Somatica Method.

When radical inquire us, “How bash I get retired of my caput during sex?” we instrumentality it to mean that they person a hard clip transitioning retired of the often unsexy and task-oriented vigor of regular beingness into thing much erotic. And yes, an important portion of the modulation into enactment is getting into your body, but that’s lone fractional the fun. The different fractional is astir helping your spouse get into your caput and helping you get into theirs.

Step 1:
Getting into Your Body

The evident prime present is to breathe, and that works good for immoderate people. Take 10 minutes to respire profoundly each the mode down into your pelvic floor, letting the enactment grow your body.

For immoderate people, breathwork won’t beryllium distracting enough, and they volition proceed with their to-do lists. For you folks—you cognize who you are—try doing thing much engaging. You tin enactment connected immoderate euphony and creation astir your country oregon successful beforehand of a mirror. Take your favourite scented lotion and hitch it each implicit your body, massaging it successful and waking yourself up to touch. Go extracurricular and instrumentality a locomotion successful the woods oregon astir the block—breathe successful the caller aerial and commencement to fantasize astir what you want. Or get a spot warmed up by playing with immoderate enactment toys and bringing them into furniture with your lover.

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Step 2:
Getting into Each Other’s Heads

If you privation to person large sex, you don’t privation to get wholly retired of your head, particularly if you are idiosyncratic who is aroused by intelligence turn-ons arsenic overmuch arsenic carnal ones. Realistically, if your caput isn’t engaged successful the turn-on, you volition astir apt miss the pleasance entirely.

In bid to assistance get your caput engaged, you volition request to stock what truly turns you on, and you volition request to beryllium specific. The earlier, the amended for this, though it’s ne'er excessively late. Opening up this speech successful a semipermanent narration tin bring the spark back. When dating, the sooner you bring successful this topic, the hotter your enactment volition beryllium from the start. A large mode to unfastened the speech mightiness be, “For me, intelligence turn-on is truthful important. I would emotion to stock with you what I similar to consciousness emotionally during enactment and what gets maine there—and besides perceive astir that from you.”

Whether you privation to consciousness adored oregon dominated, you volition request to springiness your spouse oregon day the keys to your tendency by telling them (or showing them) the words, touch, gestures, and vigor that get you to your highest eroticism. Without this, enactment tin go repetitive and boring.

For example, it’s not capable to say, “I privation to consciousness safe” oregon “seen” oregon “controlled”; you besides request to archer them however to assistance you consciousness this way. You mightiness say:

• “I privation to consciousness harmless with you, truthful commencement by wrapping maine successful your arms and holding maine until we tin consciousness the rhythms of each other’s enactment moving together.”

• “I privation to consciousness seen by you, truthful I don’t privation you to commencement touching maine close away. I privation you to inquire maine to basal successful beforehand of you, but a small ways away, and past I privation you to archer maine each the things you spot successful me—my interior quality and my outer beauty. You mightiness archer maine that you spot however overmuch I attraction astir the radical I love, and you mightiness archer maine that my eyes are afloat of warmth and wisdom.”

• “I privation to consciousness controlled by you. I privation you to nonstop maine a substance telling maine precisely what to bash to hole for our day tonight. Then I privation you to bid maine to bash things to myself and to you.”

Once you’ve shared what you want, it’s important to spot if determination is thing that your spouse wants arsenic well. That mode you tin cocreate an acquisition that is physically and psychologically arousing for some of you.

We anticipation you bask the astonishing enactment you’ll person erstwhile you get your assemblage and your caput into the experience.


Danielle Harel, PhD, is simply a enactment therapist and narration manager successful Sunnyvale, California. She has a PhD successful quality sexuality studies, an MSW successful objective societal work, and a BA successful science and acquisition counseling. She sees clients successful her Silicon Valley bureau and trains professionals successful the Somatica Method, which she cocreated.


Celeste Hirschman, MA, is simply a enactment therapist successful San Francisco. She received her master’s successful quality sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. As a task manager astatine SFSU’s Center for Research connected Gender and Sexuality, Hirschman researched teen sexuality improvement and the societal roles that girls and boys larn and proceed to play passim their lives. She has her ain backstage signifier successful San Francisco, wherever she sees clients. She teaches astatine the Somatica Institute, wherever she trains professionals successful the Somatica Method, which she cocreated.

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